


Dear poetry...

by specsi



Category: Original Work
Genre: Poetry, Slam Poetry, short poems collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:07:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 61
Words: 8,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25549450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/specsi/pseuds/specsi
Summary: Collection of some of my poems as they come.These were written as short, standalone, momentary pieces mostly._____All those little thingscatch my eyewhen I'm supposed to lookat you...
Kudos: 1





	1. Dear poetry...

Dear poetry  
can you heal me once more

I know they say time will  
but I don’t like time  
it runs when I’m laughing  
and stops in the night  
never enough and always too much  
words lost  
in the seconds we forgot to count  
next to the ticks  
behind the tocks  
hiding and running and leaving and stopping  
‘cause i can’t

so please, Dear poetry  
to you I come for healing once more  
Just like before  
Just like next time


	2. I take the pictures off the wall

So I take the pictures of the wall one more time  
Put them in a box  
I suppose we don’t get to turn around the hourglass  
Not this time, not anymore  
And I can’t just start over again

So will we turn into  
Nameless faces in the crowd  
Passing by  
Is this the end of the story?

A song doesn’t start just to end  
A sentence doesn’t start just to end  
So we didn’t come just to leave  
And we don’t leave the same we came  
We’re not born just to die

In the crowd I hope we meet again  
Faces with a name  
This is not the end of the story


	3. Where are you?

Where are you?

Somewhere along the lines

Of loving you,

I suppose.


	4. Reminders

Sometimes I don’t want my songs to remember you  
because I know the days are numbered  
and every word put down on these pages  
is going to hurt  
Little pieces of you, reminders


	5. Don't come home

I miss you when you’re gone  
But then I don’t  
And something’s not right  
The closer we are the further it feels  
When did home stop being home?


	6. Take care

I know you need help and I know you need to be taken care of and treated gentler some days  
I know, I understand that  
But sometimes I hate it  
Sometimes I don’t want to anymore  
Understanding takes so much effort some days  
Such a nuisance

Why am I the person that needs to take care of me


	7. Memories

‘Cause I spent too much time  
Visiting graves  
Dancing with ghosts  
Living in memories of times that are gone


	8. I know it's not like that

It’s 3 am and I miss you  
And I miss something I never had  
Or perhaps I miss the feeling  
Of missing you  
And want it back  
Because I know it’s not like that  
Because I don’t want it to be like that  
Because it’s not like that  
But the false hope, lies  
The thoughts and dreams of what if  
Bring me comfort


	9. When No doesn't mean Goodbye

I was happy you said no because we both needed it  
but I wouldn’t be able to  
Sometimes no and goodbye are the same thing

Sometimes they’re not


	10. We all wear masks

I sit down with my anger  
call it sadness and hold it close  
as it weeps on my shoulders

It’s okay, I’m scared too


	11. I live in splatters of paint and silences between words

So what if it’s messy  
So what if it’s chaos  
There’s life in splatters of paint  
in silence between words  
in moments of calm before the storm

Find beauty in the madness  
and your peace in the middle of chaos


	12. don't wish me a Merry Christmas

don’t wish me a Merry Christmas  
‘cause these days I just want them to be over  
when days fill with pretense  
because it’s holidays  
when the tree is not beautiful anymore  
because you can put it up yourself for once  
when the only gift you’re allowed to give is to yourself  
minutes of quiet, breathe out  
when there’s more chairs by the table than you’ll need  
 _it wasn’t enough last year_  
when you never know who will actually come  
 _less and less of us every year it seems_  
when you catch her staring at the pictures for the fifth time   
this hour  
when they strategically never sit in the same room  
when everyone seems to be biting their tongue  
 _because it’s Christmas_  
I don’t think I understand what Christmas means anymore


	13. Dreams from the lost-and-found

In love with a life that’s not mine  
Runaway dreams of what could have been  
Too tired to chase them  
Living on borrowed time  
Future from the lost-and-found


	14. In the eyes of passersby

I have no words to say  
Yet so much was left unsaid  
Somewhere the truth mixes with lies  
And I don’t know who of us  
Believes what anymore  
Don’t look for me in the eyes  
Of strangers and passersby  
Because I won’t be there  
And I hope if you ever hear my name again  
You can just say  
You used to know me back then  
And I won’t be there to hear it  
We won’t meet through the eyes of passersby  
So I won’t search   
It’ll be alright


	15. If this is closure I don't want it

Why getting caught up in looking for closure  
I don’t want it  
I’d rather it all slowly dissipates  
Sand that passes through my fingers  
And gets blown away by the wind  
Quietly when no one's looking  
So you never know the goodbye is your last one  
Because if this is closure  
It just feels empty  
And I don’t want it


	16. Burning daylight

Setting fires to the dark skies  
Estranged sparks  
At the break of dawn we find  
We’re just burning daylight


	17. Sweet self-destruction

It’s 5 AM and I haven’t slept

I’m tired of apologizing  
For everything  
But I’m sorry   
for the things I did and didn’t do  
What do you do when you hate who you’ve been, hate who you are and hate who you’re becoming

Sweet self-destruction  
Stop keeping up  
Stop showing up  
Stop caring  
Sometimes  
I wish it was easy  
Because none of this is ever easy  
So much fucking effort  
Just to keep things from breaking  
Give it up  
Spiral just to see how far you’ll go  
Who will save all of this instead of me then

I complain and pity myself on paper  
And people call it art  
In the end the truth is  
Self imposed expectations,  
I’m gonna be the death of me


	18. We don't bleed the same

Who said we all bleed the same  
I can see you draw  
Paint spilling out  
I can see her dance  
So do you think he bleeds in red?  
Who said we all bleed the same?

I bleed in blue and I bleed in sounds  
The painful slips of silence between words  
The silence which speaks the most


	19. Enough

My life is a mess right now  
I've shed my tears though  
It's enough  
I don't owe it to anyone  
In losing hope I found a new one  
Knowing that something will be tomorrow and that's okay

I don't have to conquer the world by the time I'm twenty  
Yes my life is a mess  
and I can't seem to care anymore  
I missed a few deadlines, I'm running late  
It doesn't matter,  
Life is not a competition

I'm allowed to fail classes, get fired  
I'm allowed to come late and be imperfect  
I'm allowed to got heart broken  
and I'm allowed to bring myself back up

I can still graduate, I'll find a new job  
I'll do better next time  
I can learn to love the imperfections  
I'll be just fine

Some failures will become learnings and some will stay failures,  
but they're not meant to stop me and I'll keep moving forward  
It's okay, it'll get better, I'll go through life day by day until I'll be strong enough to look into the future once again

I don't have to be perfect  
I don't have to achieve everything now  
I don't have to save the world, change people and do it all  
I don't owe it to anyone,  
I can, but I can later  
I'm under no obligation  
What I'm doing right now is as much as I can and that's enough,   
I'm enough


	20. Collection of Yesterdays

Dated pages in the diary  
Staying empty one by one  
Collection of yesterdays  
Building up

And it doesn’t belong to me  
More day by day  
This one I don’t think I can sell  
To a collector somewhere

Nothing else to fill the pages  
But an old photograph  
A simple sentence   
That holds no meaning

At least a reminder of how you used to smile


	21. The roads don't lead home anymore...

Treading through river  
as it pushes me back  
so many roads not taken  
and I won't take them  
'cause they don't lead home  
my footprints lost track  
can't follow them back   
searched every turn I saw  
turned all the stones and all the pages  
none of them lead home anymore


	22. Little Lights

A response to  
Passenger - All the little lights

from a different perspective

I heard you cry on a bus stop in Edinburgh  
Tried to run up as you left through the park  
Remembered you from a night in a club  
When we were younger  
And didn’t know to hold our drinks tighter  
Now you have a little less light in your eyes

Saw you storm out followed by your mother’s call  
A few houses down from mine  
Gathered courage to follow a little while later  
Found smoke clouds  
Instead of your laughs  
Trying to light fires with wet sparks

You had a million little lights in your eyes  
When I first saw you  
And they shone all the while  
A beacon on the path  
But I was too late whenever they started giving out

You returned a week later with one less light  
Never told me where you went and I never asked  
A little duller again once you moved out  
To a flat so far  
Far from mine  
And I know you’ve seen one of mine go out

There was one slowly flickering out  
It went in little waves I know all too well  
Like a boat left on a shore  
Slowly carried away  
A little spark that returns in flickers  
In New Jersey shore tide

You had a million little lights in your eyes  
When I first met you  
They slowly turned dull as the lights were flickering out  
Shadows cast on the path behind  
Patches no light of mine can clear  
I tried and I tried but they die along the way  
And we’ll grow old and cold one day  
So forgive me if I can’t but believe  
They’ll all burn out one day  
They’ll all burn out one day 

_This one might burn out too one day_


	23. S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *trigger warning - graphic

Remember the poems  
Remember the words that said it would all be okay  
That someone would come and put the smile back on your face  
Remember the empty promises of love and nicer tomorrow  
They all vanished when tomorrow really came

So you think you know what it's like  
What it's like to feel lonely and broken  
Oh please  
Stop looking for someone to tell you what's broken is beautiful  
They all lied  
The poems, the songs, the pictures,  
They all lied to you

If you find a broken cup  
You don't think oh how pretty  
And try so hard to put it back together

You throw it out and get a new one

Nobody stops by to appreciate the glass shards on the streets  
Reality check honey  
The world is ugly  
And no one will save you out of pity

There is nothing beautiful on this reality

Sitting in a dark room  
The window opened  
cold air swirling around  
The only light you had gave out  
Getting drunk on cheap coke  
Because I'm too much of a coward to do it properly  
So don't tell me you know what's it like to feel lonely

Perhaps you'll understand  
Once your happiness has the shape of Prozac  
But till then  
You don't have a say  
About the blood dripping down my forearms


	24. Listened to the moon

That night I made a terrible mistake  
I looked at the moon shining into my room  
through the window  
And I let him talk  
The man in the moon spoke  
And I listened

He spoke of things I wouldn't dare dream about  
Under the ruthless rays of sun  
He spoke with sweet voice and soft promises  
That would be forbidden the moment his light  
gave way to the day

And yet I listened and hoped  
For the world where his words were true  
For the world made of me and you  
When we no longer had anything to lose

I wished I could see the day when such world came true  
But I knew the Fates and I knew their plans  
and I knew there was never a speck of hope  
for me and you

I would be long gone before such day could come  
And maybe it was only my hope keeping that dream alive  
Yet it was my hope pushing the day out of reach  
As it was my hope slowly killing me inside.

I had to make my choice  
To die or to abandon hope  
To die or to let go of you  
And in my foolishness it was you I chose  
For I would die for you over and over again  
No matter how much it would hurt  
No matter what it would cost


	25. You look like winter but you feel like spring

Thinking of you feels like summer  
With hopes and longing for the days  
But talking to you feels cold  
Tumbling on a thin ice


	26. My crazy head

People always said I see the world differently,

But I wouldn't know 'cause I've never seen it any other way

I never believed them, why should I?

It was all fun and games,

Dismissing their words with a wave of my hand,

"Yeah, yeah sure. And even if, so what?" joking around.

But the older I got the less they seemed to understand,

And I stopped making a sound.

My thoughts are jumping all over the place,

Sometimes genius, sometimes stupid but never at rest

My friend told me I always seem too far away in the space,

And it hurts because I know I'm trying my best.

I got this cool idea once, excited about it for months,

And when I finally got to happily tell you in an impulse

You said I went from A to D and B to X... too perplex

A plan so complex, yet I always seem to leave out specks too important.

The way you squirm your eyes every time I try to convey a message, 

I almost pray that I somehow portray the picture but the words don't obey me,

And I let my voice fade when I see 'the look' invade your fake smile.

I feel betrayed by the way you degrade all I say with a shake of your head like it doesn't matter.

My thoughts apparently make sense only inside my brain inherently messy and crazy.

My friends shake their heads consistently whenever I say any of them even timidly out loud.

Excuse my ignorance, the abuse of words, misuse of your time I accidentally committed,

attempting to introduce this fundamentally wrong thing I produced in my poor excuse of a brain

How? Why? It made perfect sense, maybe a little intense , but in my defense,

the words were accurate hence, please no offense but aren't you a little dense?

My thoughts are swirling and racing, I want to tell you, I try so hard and when I finally get it right

I look around just to hear your "What was that?" You didn't listen. "Nevermind." 

Your disrespectful behavior made me feel like a failure, 

questioning and labeling all my ideas, opinions and suggestions wrong

before even attempting to pause and look at them.

so please, please stop, it's your turn to shut up

I've had enough, enough of shaming, judging, 

dismissing, waving your hands, shaking your head,

yawning whenever I open my mouth, those dirty looks piercing though me,

rolling your eyes, yes do it once more, maybe you'll see a brain back there,

try to use it.

Because if one of our brains is disfunctional, I can guarantee mine is just fine.

And perhaps a little too complex and demanding for your understanding,

Yet I respect you. And maybe if you learnt how to do it, not only towards me but other people too you would find possibilities you couldn't even dream of.


	27. My Sanity

Wide smiles and laughing faces,

All my favorite places, 

Swirling in my head in endless races,

Changing into darkness.

Laughing faces I don't get to see,

Wide smiles that no longer warm me,

Painful memories of times that used to be,

Images of people long gone, forever lost.

My favorite places from before,

I don't recognize anymore,

And the memories they used to store,

Vanished into an empty nothing.

You were my one last light,

But after that night,

Of losing your hardest fight,

Colors disappeared and my world is grey.

The good times are gone,

And the memories have withdrawn,

I'm desperately trying to hold on,

But all I treasured is lost.

I look around,

Up on the ground,

Until I feel the sound,

Is it my head or the world that's spinning?

I stare at the dark stone,

With a name I used to know,

And the single word written below,

The scariest of them all, forever.

There is only one thing I understand,

That I can't hold your guiding hand,

Nothing ever goes as planned,

And I just can't without you.

Either me or the world has gone crazy,

My surroundings are too hazy,

I'm terrified of the reality,

Because you were my sanity.


	28. Where I'm From

Original:  
"Where I'm From" by George Ella Lyon.

I am from the forest behind our house,

from feeding swans by the river.

I am from small playgrounds and occupied swings,

from the Littlest Pet Shop fever.

I am from rainy days and cancelled plans,

spontaneously planned water fights,

from goodbyes at 10 AM on Saturdays,

sleepless sleepovers and music nights.

I am from coffee stains and splatters,

mixed with the forgotten tea.

I am from the squad of glasses,

from the homemade memories creating me.

I live in the worlds of Lore, Nesbo and Reichs.

I come from the City of Bones and the Cairnholm loop.

I grew up at 221b Baker street and the Jeffersonian Institute.

I come from the garage where lives the Scorpion's group.

I am from great books and even greater stories,

which made me homesick for people I'll never meet and places I'll never see.

My heart is made of ink,

and words trying to break free.

I am from false notes and weird songs,

the music turned up too high,

messed up patterns replace with single down strums,

and endless tuning, so the E minor sounds right.

I'm from hidden secrets and faked smiles,

pillows drenched in salty drops and silent screams.

I'm from the pain of stabbed hearts, lost battles and short lives.

I'm from the broken, it seems.

I am from chocolate and snow,

long hours of math and music,

the rattle of our old sewing machine,

and dreams of all the adventures that await me.


	29. Tell me the lie

It's been so long, you know...

And it seems I got better and my thoughts got calmer,

But they haven't and I keep wondering about things

I shouldn't think off.

It's been so long ago...

I kept going. I kept trying. I kept pushing myself to such extends,

My thoughts are shouting and screaming louder and louder...

I guess I got better... at hiding it.

And I know you left, I know you're gone, 

I know you won't ever come back and I don't want you to,

But when the darkness gets bigger and the lights fade out,

Somewhere, something deep in my mind is telling me that,

I need to hear your voice,

Telling me it's not the right choice,

Telling me I'm allowed to cry

Telling me I'll be just fine.

So if you could, if it's not too much to ask,

Please tell me you need me,

Please tell me to stay,

Please tell me you love me,

Just one more time, even if it's a lie.

It's been so long...

And it seems I got better and my thoughts got calmer,

But they haven't and they're are shouting and screaming louder and louder...

I guess I got better... at hiding it.

I feel so lost, and yet they say I'm strong, brave, a fighter.

They say I can walk this world alone, they say they believe in me,

They say... pretty things. Words and sentences that sparkle and glimmer with false hope,

But I... I can't make myself believe them. 

The words are empty and their actions speak the opposite.

And those are louder. The scream of "Come on, prove me wrong!"

Is followed by a mocking "See? You can't". 

And I'm scared to death because something's telling me: "They're right".

I need to hear your voice,

Telling me you'd miss me,

Telling me I'm worth it,

Telling me you want me,

Telling me I can do this.

Please tell me you need me,

Please tell me to stay,

Please tell me you love me,

Just one more time, even if it's a lie.

I promise I won't find out

'cause my thoughts are too loud right now,

Tell me you care and I'll fall for it all over again,

Even if it's a lie, please pretend for a while.

Help me survive this one more time,

Don't leave me behind,

Please don't let it be a lie.


	30. Now I Understand

"Yeah, I think I'll take the earlier train today."

It was an accident, wasn't it?

We met just like that, 

running into you on the stairs,

and talking about the book that fell from my hands... 

"I missed it, I came too late."

"Want to come with us for a while?"

Remember the day I got to know you?

The sparks in your eyes haven't left my mind for another week,

Seeing your smile and I wasn't able to speak,

I have laughed so hard it hurt my cheeks...

"There's too much school right now..."

"I need a flatmate..."

A simple question, imagine I'd say yes,

living together somewhere new, all the things we'd do,

"I don't think I can live on my own yet..."

"Hey, want to try and apply?"

There was nothing we could have lost,

People laughed and said we were too ambitious,

Head in the clouds, it's time to come to the earth,

Before you risk and lose too much...

"I don't think I could make it..."

"You should definitely try it out!"

Remember the awesome dreams we had?

Where did they go? And why?

I think people lied to us when they said it's impossible,

But that doesn't matter anymore, 

"I don't think I'd be able to make a living that way..."

Looking through flats for one that I can't afford,

Scrolling through jobs I'm not qualified for,

Reading about the success of others instead of working for my own...

I see the life we've never lived...

It was a dream, a fulfilled one

Or was it?

What if I wasn't brave enough?

Just another thing that I've never done.

I look back and read through my diaries,

Remember all the "what if"s and "maybe"s,

Think of all the "I'll do it later..."

I see the dreams I never followed

We made it together, traveled the world, 

did so many things, achieved so much.

What if we got scared halfway through?

The life we never made

One simple sentence, One argument, one mistake

So many things could have happened,

what if it was just an accident?

The life we've never had

"I'm sorry, I can't make it today..."

The last time we spoke.

"There's so many things, I'll do it next week..."

The last time I had hope.

"They would never notice me..."

The last time I had a crush.

"I would never succeed..."

The last time I dared to dream. 

I'm not sure...

I'm afraid...

I'm not good enough...

I don't think I'l be able to...

Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.

Now I understand.

Those who have their dream life have it because they never gave up on their dreams and followed them. Every single day that you choose not to do something towards your dream, you're slowly giving it up. Don't give up your dreams, they may come true. How many dreams could have come true if we wouldn't have given up? It scares me. 

Right now I can see my life take hundreds of possible roads

and it seems like it will be based on an accident.

And that's scary.

How many accidents didn't happen that could have led me 

somewhere completely else?


	31. Walk with me

I'm walking towards an unknown end  
I can feel it in my bones  
But I know all is as it should be  
as long as you walk with me.

I'm walking towards a scary end  
I can feel it coming  
But I know that's how it's supposed to be  
because you're right here walking with me.

I'm walking towards a sweet end  
I can feel it during the night  
But I hesitate as I find  
that you fall behind.

I'm walking towards a bitter end  
That much is clear  
As I no longer feel you there  
As I no longer feel you walking with me.

I walked to my bitter-sweet end  
I know now it's here  
But nobody will see, nobody will hear  
me say the rest of my words.


	32. Moving on

The leftover hope burns  
and it burns and it burns and it burns  
Every time, again and again  
again  
But I haven't learnt

I think I'm done  
Falling in and out of love  
Cruising through daydreams  
Lost in imaginations of things that could never have been

That was the last time

So I'll collect all the words  
all the songs and poems and pictures and notes  
put them in a box  
and call it moving on.

Because it seems we're all headed in different ways  
and I'll always pick up the phone  
when you'll call, if you'll call  
but I'm moving on.

Because it seems we've all chosen for ourselves  
and I know it's good  
I know it's right  
I know it should be that way

so I'm sorry  
but I'm moving on.  
At least I'm trying.  
I won't be here tomorrow, but I'll pick up the phone.

And I'll keep everything in a box  
called moving on  
come back from time to time. Someday.  
We're all moving on in our own little ways.


	33. Pause button

I feel time slipping through my fingers  
spilling through the cracks,  
and I can't seem to get a grasp.

I try I try I try I try  
promise  
I try I really really do  
but it just falls further out of reach.

And it goes on and on and on  
the world keeps spinning faster  
there is no pause button.


	34. Hermit side

And so I'm sitting on my couch  
watching my friends have fun

normally I love my hermit side  
that would stay inside till the end of all days  
but I'm running out of photographs  
to show when anybody asks  
what I've been doing in the past days


	35. My Cat

Woke up to the sound of slamming doors  
the morning seems so dull and cold  
they always do these days I suppose

Someone is arguing in the kitchen  
the TV's playing almost loud enough to over-scream them  
I'm too tired and sleep doesn't help

One day I hope...

I'll have a nice little flat with a   
seat by the window and the  
radio turned up one day I'll  
live with my cat and it  
smells of fresh coffee in a  
place we call our home


	36. does it matter?

I cut my hair  
and dyed it blue  
wondering if it's a thing I would or wouldn't do  
does it matter?

Life seems to lack a definition  
so I pierced my ears and my lip too  
wondering if it's a thing I would or wouldn't do  
does it matter?

And maybe if I'd dye my hair green  
and get a tattoo  
you'd turn back to spare me another look,  
but I didn't.

because nothing ever stays the same  
and we all change  
because nothing ever changes enough  
and in the end we're all still the same.

So what if I'm not who I thought I'd be?  
So what if I'm not who you knew me to be?  
Why does it matter?


	37. It's nice to be ordinary

I keep torturing myself with pictures  
of smiles and laughs and bright eyes  
and that wide smile that used to  
belong to us.  
And my throat is tight.

Even the world needs forgettable fill ins  
though frustrating as it is,  
but when I drink my coffee in the morning  
I think it's nice to be ordinary.

I made myself cry again  
with a story in photographs  
nostalgia playing through my speakers.

I'll just remember  
my life is not a fairy-tale  
and maybe youth is overrated.


	38. stupid enough

and i hope i'm stupid enough  
to keep failing till i finally  
get it right


	39. The heroes aren't perfect

All the things I learn  
sometimes I wish I could forget

My heroes aren't perfect,  
they're human too.  
And I don't blame them for that  
I won't stop loving them for that  
but it's hard when you find out  
you don't want to be like your heroes anymore.

When the kindness is conditional  
When the love is carefully measured  
and given out only in rations  
to those who were born lucky.

When it matters where you come from  
When it matters how you look  
When it matters who you love  
Instead of who you are

What would you do  
if you found out the people you admired  
wouldn't approve of who you are  
if they knew?

I can't change, I won't change, I don't need to change  
But I can't tell them  
Because the love is conditional and I don't tick the box  
It's a special type of hurt

They say they love me  
But they won't ever know  
All of me  
And they wouldn't love me if I'm not who they thought I'd be

Because they don't like people like me  
Because they don't understand people like me  
But it's not a choice  
and I can't change, I won't change, I don't need to change

And it's alright  
I know I'm not wrong  
and I know they still love me,  
it's just the world that's turned on its head

I'm not wrong for being me  
It just hurts sometimes.


	40. Closing doors

Where ever I go  
Who ever I meet  
It seems I'm only losing friends  
I guess I'm used to it.


	41. Growing old and grey

Cause I'm too few years old to be  
burying my best friends

You were supposed to grow grey  
before me so I could tease you about it  
Its not fair to leave me like this.

What happened to growing old?  
And dying of old age?  
Since when does growing old mean  
living till you're twenty?

If the blue washes out of my hair fast enough  
at least I can say I was grey   
before I buried my best friend.

Could you please crack a joke about it  
so I can remember  
how you teased me about growing old  
and grey before you?  
At least one of us.


	42. "Take care."

"Hi"  
back in the day, before it all has started  
I'd never say, I'd never thought  
this could mean so much to me  
but it does  
it does and it matters and it means so much to me

Somehow...  
after so long I finally know  
just how much it all mattered  
how much it would change me  
how much it would help me  
how much it would save me  
Thank you

And I think there was a time when we all realized  
we were a part of something great  
something extraordinary  
something so unique and...  
it would be ours, only ours and no one else's

I'm finding out now that those  
who haven't been there  
don't really understand  
and I don't mean it in a bad way

It's just so hard to put into words that would give it justice  
and I think there's beauty in that as well  
because we have something no one else will ever have  
and it's us who have been there  
Together

Through all the thick and thin  
it took me so long to realize  
to see just how valuable a thing I discovered  
and to be grateful for the opportunity I got  
and I will  
be forever grateful to everyone  
Thank you

The years have gone by  
and so much has changed  
and I know this all has changed us  
for the better I hope  
and so much has stayed the same  
in the best way 

And all of that will always be mine to cherish  
and I will always look back with a smile on my face  
and a tightness in my throat  
even though I've cried many times  
even though I've laughed many times  
even though I've thought I'd quit many times  
even though I've never wanted to leave  
many times...

I will remember you  
I will remember what we had  
I will remember what we've found  
even when I'm old and grey  
and I've forget my own name  
I will remember  
that there was something amazing  
back in the day  
that we had something amazing  
and though we're moving on  
we're not letting go  
so I look forward to seeing you again  
hopefully while I still remember my own name

There is so much more I want to say  
how the years have gone by  
each in its own way, with its own cries and its own laughs  
each with its own light  
through it all  
We laughed  
We learnt  
We grew  
We cried  
We screamed  
We loved  
We...  
...made it

It was worth it in the end  
and I want to thank my past self  
for taking that leap of faith  
for being brave  
and a little crazy  
for taking all the courage I had  
and pouring it into this thing  
that could fall down on my head at any moment  
It was a lot  
We made it

We made it work  
and we tried so hard  
and it was worth it  
No we didn't love every second of it  
No one loved every second of it  
but the seconds still count

It was...  
there will never be words that do it justice  
Thank you  
For everything, for all of this  
For it was amazing  
I understand now  
We were part of something truly special and it will forever be ours and I will always remember it.

And all those words left unsaid:  
... I love you  
... Thank you  
... I'll miss you  
... I don't want to go  
... You're important  
... You made such a difference in my life  
... I'm never gonna be the same thanks to you  
... You saved me  
... I hope to see you again  
... Come back sometime  
... We'll be waiting for you  
... When you come back we'll be here

"Take care."


	43. daydreams. (What could have been isn't.)

Some nights I'm left to wonder  
lost in the remnants of my daydreams  
what is it like to truly fall in love  
and that I might never find out.

"Often I'm upset that I cannot fall in love,  
but I guess that avoids the stress of falling out of it."  
Maybe we just meet the wrong people sometimes  
Maybe we were never meant to meet the right ones

I remember turning away from you when I first met you  
Because I could already tell  
I'd build up a whole universe of a daydream in my head  
that would never stand a chance

Yet you had this way  
of just being there  
by my side whenever I'd turned  
gentle presence of the autumn breeze

and it felt right  
and it felt nice  
while it lasted  
but there could never be more than that

Maybe if we tried hard  
Maybe if I tried harder  
Maybe if I braced myself and really wanted it  
but the thought scares me still

I'm not sure when you realized it as well  
or if you just decided to let it be  
"Goodbye"  
but we knew from the start there was no time for this

I don't have your number  
and I don't even know your full name  
I know the look in your eyes when you laughed  
at a horrible pun that you made

But that probably isn't enough  
and even if it was I don't think I'd be able to reach out  
'Cause I'm still too scared  
of not being able to fall in love

So what could have been isn't  
and if we meet again a year and a day later perhaps  
You won't believe me if I say  
that what isn't once could have been back in the day

But not anymore  
"Goodbye,"  
daydreams.


	44. The Things I've Lost...

The things I’ve lost... The things I’ve thrown away...

... an umbrella cover ... the t-shirt  
... a friend ... this relationship   
... blue pen #47 ... green pen #4  
... time ... memories  
... count ... effort  
... expectations ... a dream


	45. The Promise

The Promise - Jane Hirshfield   
modified

Stay, I said   
to the fallen knights.  
They bowed  
their heads lower.

Stay, I said to the whisperer,  
who fled.

Stay, guard.  
It weeped,  
embarrassed for me and itself.

Stay, I said to my shadow.  
It sat as a dog does,  
obedient for a moment,  
soon starting to tremble.

Stay, to the people  
of riverine valley meadows,  
of fossiled escarpments,  
of bravery and defeat.  
They looked back  
with a changing expression, in silence.

Stay, I said to my loves.  
Each answer

_Always._


	46. Keep your Roses

Keep your roses and watch them wither  
cause I don't fancy looking at time  
pass me by, stealing all the beauty   
and slowly letting it die.

Keep your roses and watch them wither  
cause I don't fancy thorns and petals  
all the leaves fallen down, grey and dry  
reminders of times long past.

Keep your roses and watch them wither  
cause I don't fancy apologies  
that prick some more and die in a week  
waiting for the next repeat.

Keep your roses and watch them wither  
cause I fancy other kinds of love  
than supermarket flowers for the  
sake of a large price tag.


	47. A River of Smoke and Ash

I sweep through the drawers,   
old pictures and photographs,   
echoes of memories,  
piano scores faintly playing in my head  
when my fingertips ghost over them,   
memoirs of music,  
diary entries to be filled yesterday, abandoned

All that's left  
after I'm gone  
is just a ghost of times that used to be  
dancing around my bedroom, memories

and all that's left  
after I'm done  
setting fire to times that used to be  
a river of smoke and ash, it disappears

The fire still burns in me  
but the flames are dying out


	48. As I'm Leaving...

It's too late to pick up all the pieces  
scattered around,  
forgotten, and stepped on, when we weren't careful,  
'cause I'm leaving.

I'm sorry for looking forward,   
for being excited to go,  
but staying here is hard and it's taking a toll on me.  
I'm sorry but I have to go and not look back.

We'll be alright.  
I don't know how has it come to this.  
When have we turned to this.  
But I know, we'll be alright.

Please call sometime. I'll pick up.  
I don't know which words were the ones to push me away.  
I'm not sure when was it I started leaving. Four years ago, maybe. Or even before that.  
It doesn't matter anymore. Come visit me sometime.

Don't take me wrong, I don't want to disappear.  
But I need a new start, away from all of this that's making my throat tight.  
I need to do this for me and I promise things will get better then.  
We work better when we're apart.

We'll be alright.

I'll miss you.  
I'll come visit sometime.  
Don't forget to call me, please.  
As I'm leaving...

We'll be alright.


	49. I don't really know a lot about love

I don’t really know a lot about love  
But I know a lot about what I don’t want it to be  
I know a lot about what love isn’t  
And I’ve seen a lot of what love shouldn’t be

I don’t really know a lot about love  
And I feel like I might never find out  
I know everything will be alright when the time is right  
But I’ve seen time run out too fast

So I don’t really know a lot about love  
I only know what I imagine it to be  
And I am afraid of finding out   
That love isn’t what I wish it to be

So I don’t really know a lot about love  
And I’m sorry for all the mistakes I’ll make  
I only know how to try make it right  
But please, oh dear love, please

Forgive me, it seems love is not for me.


	50. wander

With music turned up louder than my thoughts  
I wander...  
through the night, through the streets, through the cold  
heading...  
... anywhere  
... nowhere  
... somewhere else than here

because here is not a place I want to be right now.

So I search for...  
... something  
... someone

to take me somewhere else,

... sometimes.


	51. Other people

I wish so much of my life wouldn’t revolve  
around other people.  
But I don’t think I can help it, sometimes,  
sometimes other people is all I care about.

(and some people make me feel more lost)  
(and some people help me feel found again)  
and sometimes other people don’t know (me)  
this time I’m afraid, other people is you.

And then instead of talking to you  
I just sit in my room,  
writing poetry about you,  
while you sit in your room,  
(less than 10 meters away from me)

I don’t think you even realize  
I’m still here, I’m still there, still thinking about you,   
still stuck in a conversation from 5 days ago  
still wishing you would see me (the me I want to be)

I’m lonely beside you  
since dinner table got split into sovereign states  
with no man’s land between the borders  
that might be too large to cross.  
(first you’d have to notice it’s there though)

‘Cause the space between the two chairs  
is too much for me right now.  
Maybe it’s nothing and maybe it’s something...  
but whenever I look at you I think

Shit, it’s you, isn’t it?

And it is stupid, but this is just stupid little me,  
caring too much about other people  
hoping other people could care too  
sitting next to you.


	52. I don't want to go home for Christmas

I want to go home  
I think

Sitting in my room,   
With days gone past and nothing to show for it  
With no one to talk to   
Cause we no longer talk

Something about different time zones  
And phone calls not being enough  
I don’t know  
I want to go home

It’s getting cold outside  
Maybe it’ll snow some time soon  
And we won’t get to build snowman   
Because I’m not coming home

Don’t get me wrong,  
I really really miss you  
But it’s so hard  
And I don’t think I can go back  
It’s so hard  
And I don’t think there’s space for me anymore

I want to go home  
But I don’t want to go home for Christmas


	53. I like the way you smile

I like the way you smile

What does it feel like?  
to really like someone for who they are ...  
to be liked by them for who you are ...

I like the way you laugh

What does it really feel like?  
to have a person to come home to ...  
to be the person they come home to ...

I see you

all the little habits and quirks  
all the little jokes and comments  
Were you flirting or is it all just in my head?

I want you to look at me and see me for who I really am

I want to know you, the real you  
the morning you, the tired you, the sad you, the happy you, the confident you, the insecure you, the lost you, the inspired you,   
You

I don’t want you to know me the way I know myself

there is so much about me that I’m scared to tell you  
I don’t want you to see me like that, to think of me like that  
I don’t want you to not like the imperfect mess of a person I am

I love talking to you

What happens once you get bored of our conversations?  
What happens once I can’t keep up with you anymore?  
Is it just me or...

I know what it means to love someone

I know what it means to want someone’s happiness more than your own

I know what it means to be willing to do anything for someone else

But I’m not sure I know what it means to be in love with someone

And thought I’d really like to know, I’m not sure if I’m capable

And It’s hard to tell, if I just like you as a person  
Or if I like like you, like really like you  
You know?

But I know I would change my schedule just to make sure  
I get to meet you  
I know I would drop anything if it means I get to talk to you  
Right now I know at least, I really want to be a part of your life

Do you like me back? Could you one day?  
Is it possible that you might like me back?  
Or is it just me looking desperately for things that are not there?

Sometimes I’m upset, cause I don’t think I can fall in love  
But I guess, that avoids the stress of falling out of it


	54. There's no place for me to call home

All the places I’ve lived,  
All the places I’ve loved,  
All the places I miss,  
I seem to have outgrown.

I find after some time,   
The reasons for not leaving run out  
And I know everything must go  
But I’m tired of moving on

I’m tired of leaving all my life behind  
And building a new one every time.  
I’m tired of seeing my life in boxes  
That get tossed around.

My home became too small,  
And so I had to go.

My home closed down,  
And so we had to go.

My home wasn’t mine in the end,  
And so I couldn’t stick around.

Now I’m far away from…  
Home?  
Places I belong?  
Far away from a place to call my own.

And truth be told,  
It’s like trying to fit in  
But the shape is just wrong  
And maybe I won’t ever belong.


	55. Other People

Sometimes I wish I was other people  
or other people wouldn't be around  
because sometimes I care more about  
Other people  
than I care about me

and so I think  
maybe other people are not good for me.

Maybe I'm not good for other people.  
Does it matter which is which?  
Am I other people to you?  
Because now I know   
you're other people to me  
and most days  
other people is you.


	56. Self-destruction

sweet, familiar  
it feels good to feel sad  
to hope someone will save me  
because it's familiar  
because it's easy  
because I know sad  
it's safe and  
it's been the default for so long  
that now, even if I know doing  
something will make me feel bad  
I do it anyway  
because bad is sad is safe is good  
somehow


	57. The sun is going down

The sun is going down  
and there is nothing poetic about dying  
about watching the people you love fade away  
about getting shaky hands and forgetting how to breathe  
when the phone rings late at night  
why is it always night...

it's going on a visit and NOT pointing out  
that no one in the room has slept well in weeks  
it's going on a visit and forcing a smile  
talking about Christmas cookies  
because it's getting better  
until it suddenly isn't anymore

it's watching everyone around you run out of tears  
it's walking down the street, numb  
because your life still goes on even though it should have stopped  
why didn't it stop, it stopped, so why is it still going

it's hearing the choked words  
at least he's smiling now, at least it doesn't hurt anymore  
but it fucking hurts  
it's feeling like you don't deserve to hurt  
because it wasn't really your loss to deal with

it was never poetic, the blood was only red  
and then we made it into poetry


	58. The morning after I died

The morning after I died  
The sun rose again  
and the birds were singing just the same  
My mom cried in bed.

The morning after I died  
The earth kept turning  
and the breeze kept blowing  
My dad couldn't look into a mirror.

The day after...  
Someone fell in love  
and someone had their first kiss  
I never told you what you meant to me

The day after...  
Someone graduated  
Someone got their dream job  
My best friend couldn't smile still

My day after I died  
life went on the same as before  
and I came to regret  
never having written the epilogue.


	59. nothing changes

Every time I come back  
nothing's changed  
and yet nothing stayed the same  
The bottom of the hole is still  
dark  
cold  
empty  
but the way out isn't where it used to be  
Nothing changes if  
nothing changes  
But while I try to change it all  
try to make it better  
try to make me better  
hide that this is who I am  
nothing changes  
and everything is still the same  
in the worst possible way


	60. how many mirrors

How many mirrors does it take  
to make me hate myself?  
Just one.

How many comments does it take  
to question everything I know?  
Just one.

How many thoughts does it take  
to lose all hope for a better future?  
One.

How many lives does it take  
for them to notice?  
Too many for me to find out.

How many lives does it take  
to change something?  
...

I'm the one in four.  
You know me.  
Cause someone you know, is like me, is me.  
Then who is the one in four?


	61. in my head.

Because sometimes life gets to me  
and paints things red  
I'm okay now  
but looking back  
even just a couple hours  
I can't believe I let that happen  
it feels like I was  
a different person  
then.

because sometimes life gets to me  
and tells me things that are  
NOT TRUE  
(they're not true, they're not true)  
I'm trying to remember I swear  
and sometimes they only go away  
painted in red  
and I want to believe that  
things get better  
but there's no one around to remind me  
there's nothing around to ground me  
there's no way to find me  
once I'm lost   
in my head.


End file.
